Post Baby Jeans
At the beach, I spied a young woman in a bikini who was about 8 months pregnant. At first I thought, “Poor thing. She can’t afford enough material to cover her whole baby-basket.” In truth, I was merely jealous because she didn’t have a single stretch mark.
When I thought about it later, I realized that what she was wearing was the most comfortable thing a pregnant woman could wear: Almost nothing. Women take such pains to cover up their bodies when they are pregnant, as if nobody will know they are pregnant if they can’t see that enormous belly. All she succeeds in doing is making herself even more uncomfortable than a pregnant body already is.
Isn’t it enough that she can’t get out of a chair without rolling on to her side? Does she now have to take a bolt of material and wrap it around her body until she is rendered completely immobile?
Of course, there are those among us who look like a goddess of fertility in their pregnant altogether-ness; and others, like me, whose belly looked like a giant bloodshot eyeball held up by skinny appendages. Picture the Cyclops sidekick on Monsters, Inc. after pulling an all-nighter. Not goddess-like. Not even close.
Then, after you have given birth to those 2.5 kids (or in my case, double that), you can’t get into a pair of jeans to save your soul. Your prego clothes with the stretchy waistbands start looking really good again.
Why don’t they make a decent pair of jeans for women who have conducted science experiments in their uterus? Are jeans only for childless women? Doesn’t a woman who doesn’t have a spa membership or a personal trainer deserve a pair of jeans that fits her post-baby body?
It’s not that we’re too fat. Some of us only weigh ten pounds more than we did when we got married. I’m not one of them, but even if I was, there aren’t any jeans available that provide for that gelatinous mass, hanging off your midsection, that is the byproduct of childbearing.
Even if you tried to cram all that into a pair of jeans that fit your legs and butt just right; even if you managed to button them, it would still flop over the waistband and look, oh, so not sexy.
The point is that most jeans are made for an ideal size and the postpregnant woman is very rarely the ideal size.
I would like to add a tip for women who are planning to get married soon. Many of you will starve yourself for months to fit into a wedding dress two sizes too small for you. I will tell you now that you will look at that wedding picture, sitting on your mantel, everyday, for the rest of your life, and believe that is your ideal weight. You will be disappointed, each time you look at it, that you have never been able to attain that ideal weight since then.
A better bet is to bulk up before your wedding day, and for the rest of your life, you can say to yourself, “I weigh less than I did when I got married” thereby planting an automatic and eternal ego boost.