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2012-01-05 digital edition

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2012-01-05 / General Stories

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by Slim Randles

The phone rang just before Dewey pulled off his clothes for his end-of-workday shower. “Hi Dewey.”

He smiled. “Hi Emily.”

“Hope I’m not interfering with anything by calling you.”

“Just got home from work and about to dive into a shower, so you called at a good time. How are you?”

He thought that would be a good way to start a conversation with this paragon of single bureaucratic woman.

“I’m fine. Thanks, Dewey. May I ask you some more questions? Got them right here. Tell me first, though, do you always shower after work?”

“Every day.”

“ Any special reason? I mean, is it related to the cow manure thing?”

“ Directly, actually. Cow manure … well, it permeates my very existence. It fills my waking hours. It … oh, it’s hard to explain.”

The king of fertilizer grinned as Emily Stickles wrote notes on the other end of the phone. If she wanted to think of him as having a fertilizer fetish, he didn’t mind. As long as she called.

“I’ve been reading up, Dewey. I think that … together … we can break this hold cow manure has on your life.”

“Oh, Emily, you really think so? What should I do about it, you think?”

“To get started, you should picture yourself free of cow manure. Just tell your mind that cow manure has no place in your thoughts and your life. Let’s see if that will cancel out some of the … unpleasantness.”

“You think cow manure is unpleasant, Emily?”

“You like it?”

“Let’s say I like what it can do for others. It’s a little like a smile or sunshine,” said our fertilizer king, “ it works wonders when you spread it around a little.”

Emily Stickles, the county employee in charge of fixing things for people who don’t realize they need fixing, was silent.

“Dewey, we really need to talk.”

“ Dinner at the Chinese place tomorrow, maybe?”

Then he just sat there, glowing in fertile, pre-shower radiance, and grinned.

Brought to you by Slim’s award- winning book “ A Cowboy’s Guide to Growing Up Right.” Learn more at http://www.nmsantos.com/ Slim/Slim.html.

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