My Boyfriend, The Vampire
Vampires are all the rage now, aren’t they? “Twilight” has brought out many closet vampire lovers even though they are all destined to be very frustrated and disappointed. Not with the movie, but with the fact that they will never have a vampire of their very own.
Even if there were such a creature - and many deranged people would swear there is, citing hemophiliacs and such - it would be a hopeless romance. People that believe in dead, bloodsucking, unbearably sexy beings have lost their grip on reality.
Let’s just say you are a young, attractive girl - someone a vampire might be attracted to. First of all, one would think that vampires would not be attracted by beauty. If he was attracted by anything, it would be her rare blood type. Type AB could be considered a delicacy among his kind.
However, let’s just pretend that this particular vampire has a genetic predisposition to appreciate beauty. What girl in her right mind would be attracted to a dead guy with cuspid issues whose only redeeming physical factor, other than his smokin’ hot wardrobe, seems to be that he sparkles in the sun? Try explaining that when you take him home to meet mom and dad.
“When can we meet your new boyfriend, sweetheart?”
“Well, it kinda depends on the weather.”
You’d have to break it to them slowly. They may have questions:
“Does he come from a good family?”
“No. Seriously, they’re all a bunch of bloodsuckers.”
“Oh, that’s too bad, maybe he’ll like us in spite of his dysfunctional family.”
“Maybe. What’s your blood type?”
“Do you love him?”
“Yes, I think so. I love it when he sparkles and pretends he’s going to bite me.”
“Um. okay. strange indicators, but how long do you think love will last on such a thin reason?”
“It depends. If he ever gets around to biting me, it could last for eternity. If not, then just until I die.”
“What!? Goodness, child, is he that much younger than you?”
“No actually, he’s 326 years old.”
After that you may have to ask your intended beau whether he could use any of the random vampirical powers he might possess to revive your mother from a dead faint and render your father comatose until he forgets the conversation.
Rather than answering questions it might be best to simply wait for the next cloudy day and introduce them.
“Mom, Dad, this is my new boyfriend, Gregorio.”
“So glad to finally meet you, Gregorio.”
“Gregorio, this is my mom and dad.”
“It is a pleasure to eat you. I mean meet you.”
You would need to backhand your vampire to keep him in line from time to time, but how to explain the teeth?
Your girlfriends would all be dying to sleep with him. Literally. And your older brother would be constructing self-detonating bat boxes to see to your boyfriend’s belated demise.
In reality, and I use that term loosely, having a vampire for a boyfriend probably isn’t as glamorous as it sounds. Unless, of course, dead people with long canines and the ability to light on your roof are your type.
Laura Snyder is a nationally syndicated columnist, author & speaker. You can reach Laura at firstname.lastname@example.org Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.