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2009-12-10 digital edition

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2009-12-10 / Community News

No News Is Good News

There was a time in my life when I didn’t watch the news on television because it was just too depressing. It wasn’t just news, it was bad news.

We were just starting out and we didn’t have diddly-squat. That is not the time to watch the news and hear about unemployment, inflation, and starving people. It wasn’t news for us. We were living it.

My mother used to be so concerned because as she said, “Laura, if you don’t watch the news, how are you going to know what’s going on?”

I always answered, “If an alien spaceship touches down or a tsunami is headed our way, someone will tell me.”

As time went on and my husband and I got better jobs and our situation began to improve, we had to start watching the news because otherwise, how would we know about unemployment, inflation and starving people? But it’s still depressing.

Just once, I would like to hear an anchor person say they are going home early because there is simply no bad news to report. You never hear good news and if there is no bad news, I swear, they make something up. Good news is almost always couched in bad news:

“The Sierra Nevada hiker whose boyfriend was eaten by a grizzly bear while he was trying to get help for the girl when she fell into an underground cave and broke both legs.has been found. When her mother heard the news, she had a massive heart attack. She is in intensive care and is not expected to live.”

So.is that good news or bad?

In a way, I can understand the newsman’s dilemma. Good news might be slightly more uplifting, but they say it is boring. I decided to recreate the morning news on a day when nothing bad happened.

“Good morning. This is Dusty Newshound, for WWWW News. I am happy to report that, today, nobody is unemployed, inflation is in check, and every single person on the earth got something to eat for breakfast.

The lumbermen took the day off from cutting down the rainforest, so. nothing to report there. There have been no global threats from climate change, the World Health Organization, or the Iranian President. So, we can all breathe easier knowing that the human race is safe for one more day.

There are no droughts anywhere except the Sahara Desert, so keep that in mind when making your travel plans today. Speaking of travel, we are entering our fourth month without a single plane crash.

Statistics say that 98% of teenage girls have taken a vow of abstinence until marriage. The phrase, ‘Don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself!’ has become cool. The other 2% didn’t get the memo and are expecting a little bundle of joy within nine months!

Cancer has been cured, as has Dutch elm disease, athlete’s foot, SIDS, AIDS, ADD, and the Seven- Year Itch.

In politics: There has not been any yet this morning and we are crossing our fingers in hopes that this trend will continue.

The stock market is closed today in recognition and support of National Stroke Awareness Week, so even stock brokers should be able to relax today.

Experts say that nobody was murdered, abducted, killed in an accident or sexually assaulted for the past week.

Hmm. Let’s see.news. Well, my neighbor, Mrs. Fatbottom, just groomed her Pek-a-poo and now he looks like a Chihuahua that ran into the back of a bus.

Um.My daughter tied her shoes today for the first time, all by herself. Good job, pumpkin!

And the tuna wraps in the cafeteria here at the station, are halfoff today.

In short, folks, there’s not much news today, so I’m going to go home and take a nap. I suggest that you do the same, because tomorrow, there will be news again.”

You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her books.

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